The wedding day is nearing and all of your planning is coming to an end. You have made so many choices about your flowers, clothing, food, location, programs, seating charts, photography, video, music, limousine, ceremony content, wedding party personnel, band, disc jockey, honeymoon, etc. How can you relax? Will it all come together? The answer: It always does. The actual day is easier than the process of getting there. Meanwhile, you both want perfection in the wedding festivities AND in the life after the wedding! To be nearly perfect is possible for a wedding day, if the professionals you hire are professionals who take pride in their work. If you have communicated your wishes to everyone, then you should be able to step back and let them do their magic. These professionals become "partners" with you, in the completion of your dream wedding. Nearing perfection in on-going married life is made up of a similar partnership sealed with your promises to each other to "love, honor and cherish each other until you are parted by death." With a foundation built on love and trust, each of you should experience an atmosphere of freedom to be your own best self, to do your own best job at becoming a partner. Just as you free your wedding professionals to do their magic on the day of the wedding, so you should free each other each day of your marriage. Most often this requires that you step back to let the other partner do their "magic" as they gradually grow into the role of spouse and partner. How does your chemistry and magic rate as a couple? There are several big events in every life. Doctors advise the most common everyday stress builders are events such as planning weddings, having children, buying a house, buying a car, coping with death, coping with illness, going to college, picking a career. Perhaps even picking your future spouse could fall into this category. However, light-hearted young lovers often don't realize the potential stress in marrying the wrong partner. They are too much in love with love's idea. Few realize that later the stresses of a poor partner choice or a poor life-path choice can change an entire person from what they WANT to be, to who they HAVE to be. Somehow married partners need to stay in touch with who they really are and who they aspire to be. They need to work together at maturing, so that each flame of individual being will be separate and vital while the unity of their purpose and destiny of their marriage becomes a life force of its own-a life force that will enrich the time-line of history with the flame of true love and the harmony of a giving partnership. Finding a partner who will work with you and your dreams is no easy task. He or she must be someone who makes you gain self-esteem and confidence, the stepping stones to your becoming all that you were meant to be. He or she should see you as the tip of the top, not only for the love you feel today, but also for the growth you will experience tomorrow as your lives becometo new possibilities. Even in times of great frustration, your love must continue to see the inner person with whom you fell in love; remembering all the while not to put your loved one on a false pedestal. We are all human and "works in progress." You would desire the right to be in error and then grow from your mistakes, so give your partner the same privilege. How do you do that? Start by knowing your partner and loving the inner person rather than the ideal of love. Remember to love is a CHOICE, but to marry your choice is to say: "I choose you above all others to be my partner in life. To be the one who will support my faith, hope and dreams in love, even as I promise to support your faith, hope and dreams." When you have found this partner, begin to practice unconditional friendship with each other. From the moment you decide to marry, realize your wedding preparations as the very first time you BOTH have the opportunity to work together toward one goal. Besides having children together, the wedding preparation period is a time when each of your families may become involved as well. Can you do it lovingly? Think of it as a "test run" of your cooperative abilities. Use the opportunity to find the trust to step aside and allow the other person to do their magic. Giving and cooperation are not measured by whether you got what you wanted. Rather measure giving and cooperation by whether the giver (in their eyes) got the best for you and gave it to you with a sincere, loving heart. For example, a mother may have dreams for her children. She may need to express her dreams as gifts or advise to feel accepted as "mother". You may need to love her dreams and her, by accepting the way she is. By the same token, true love is not "puffed-up" and is not overbearing. When someone does become overbearing, ask yourself the question "is this person being selfish at this time or is this thing so important to them that I should let go of my position?" If you ask with a loving heart, your answer may be that the need is greater in the other individual, therefore the frustration is greater to the same. In these cases, make concessions. Small concessions can build loving foundations when the person you have shown consideration to feels respected for their position. You will then experience the art of "give and take" within your new family. Time will determine if the individual is overbearing or loving at heart. Test the time, and see if they will also respect your needs in the same way. It must always be a two way street between husband and wife and is often such between family and friends. When both families and the Bride and Groom cooperate in this way, the end result of the wedding day is not just a very well planned party, but a premarital experience. A "test run" of the partnership's foundation. A day filled with loving gifts or loving concessions from both sides of the family. All the gifts come together to form the foundation of family support for the couple and their extended relations. I believe one of the most wonderful examples I have ever read about partnership was written by Don Gilchrist (author of Biblical Parenting). First citing a well known scripture that has set a biblical principal and commandment of God regarding marriage -- "A man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife; and the two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24) -- Gilchrist goes on to explain this process of unity in this way (parenthesis mine): "One of the best illustrations of a unified team is our own two hands. These five-digit players always work in harmony to accomplish tasks for their owner. One hand steadies the paper while the other moves the pen. One member holds the jar as its teammate twists the lid. What a marvelous example of unity as each hand plays its own position! But imagine the futility if both hands wanted to turn the lid, or if both wanted to hold the jar! Likewise, how ineffective the parent team (or husband and wife team) whose members attempt to play the same position!" With that example in mind, just as you have decided and divided wedding day duties between professionals, family and wedding party attendants, so you and your future spouse should discuss future situations and duties that may arise in the arena of marriage. Some good topics to discuss might be: Does my spouse build my self-image or self-esteem? Is my spouse my friend? Do I like my spouse, as well as, love my spouse? Are we educated in the same areas? Do we have several interests that are the same? Do we spend free time in the same way? Does my spouse prefer movies or books? Does my spouse read directions or look at the pictures? Do I care? How will outside friends and acquaintances affect our marriage? Do our careers provide time for us to be together? Do our careers provide enough common interest to keep us interested in each otherÕs career goals? Will each individual be supportive of the otherÕs goals? What are our individual goals and personal desires? If we grow emotionally will we grow together? If we grow spiritually will we grow together? How will we insure growing together in these areas? Communicating your growth and thoughts to your partner will be a key in this. Use hypothetical examples for discussion; i.e. If one spouse were to have an addiction problem what would happen? If one were to have personal emotional or marital needs not being met by the other (and this was severe enough for counseling) would the other spouse go to the counselor to talk? WhoÕs paying the monthly bills? How many hours do we want to work a week? Does either job require a term of greater hourly commitment? Is income seasonal? What is the household policy on saving money? Investing money? Spending money? Tithing to the church or giving to charities? Who will sit down to write out the checks? Does this person also balance the check book every month? What will be the division of household chores? Who will call the repairman? Who will wait for the repairman? Does this person keep a house like I desire? Who will decorate the home? Do you prefer dark or light colors? Will we rent or buy? When shall we buy? Can we pay off a car and keep it a while before buying a new one? How many credit cards will be owned? Can we start a cash only policy? If children come to the marriage how will we raise them -- In church? In synagogue? Other? What will the child's consequences be for disobedience? Will we spank, do a sad chair, scold or take away privileges? What mode will we choose to educate the child? Private school? Public? Or home schooling? How will we handle the first 4 years of the child's life? Mother (or father) working or staying home? How will we handle financial crunches? Make a list of the things you could do without for a period of time. How much spending money do you need each week to meet your business expenses (lunch, travel, coffee)? How much money should we designate for pleasure? How much money is needed each year for clothing? Can you eat hamburger and chicken or must you have steak? What is the policy on watching sports on TV? Or on going to concerts? How often will you desire romantic encounters? Will we censor television for ourselves or for our children? What television shows offend my beliefs, your beliefs and why? Does my spouse drink? Smoke? Chew? Other? Is that all right with me? What is the policy of friends of the opposite sex? Whose family will we visit at Christmas? Thanksgiving? Other? How does my spouse handle Disappointment? Anger? Embarrassment? Sorrow? Family Situations! Illness? Emergencies? I love you, but do I know what you will do? I love you, but do I like what you will do? Do I feel completely secure with all of the above? Cooperating, dreaming, hoping, seeking, growing, learning, becoming and loving are accessible goals for partners and individuals. We may see ourselves as striving towards a balance of these growth processes, but are we making the choices that allow othersÕ eyes to see us in this way? If so, I will choose you!

Melody Long Anglin is the sole proprietor of Music By Melody and a renowned harpist and vocalist. Melody is available for full consulting and coordinating services. She is also available for your ceremony music. Please call on her for your ceremony and coordinating questions at .